Stargate Universe Abridged
by Rayvah
Summary: A humorous abridgment. Not labeled for individual sale.
1. Air

**So, this began as writing a quick summary of SGU for a friend because I wanted her to listen to "Force Over Distance" by cleanwhiteroom and elementals. It became something else entirely…**

**I'm not sure how this fits in with the fanfic universe, but I thought "what the hell?"**

**I don't own SGU or a spaceship.**

* * *

**—-Part 1—-**

(SOMEWHERE IN SPACE ON AN ANCIENT STARSHIP)

—CHAOS—

(FLASHBACK to SOMEWHERE on EARTH)

Eli: I was playing World of Warcraft, and you guys hid a puzzle in there hoping that Matthew Broderick would solve it and you could recruit him to help you. Instead, you got me.

Dr. Nicholas Rush: We'll take what we can get. Want to come to another planet to play World of Warcraft in real life?

Eli: Wait, what…?

Rush: Ok, then.

(on ANOTHER PLANET - ELI, RUSH, CHLOE, & HER DAD who is a senator APPEAR)

Col. Young: Welcome, Mr. Senator, to our top secret base.

Audience: Why does HE get to know about the top secret base?

Director: He's Senator of California. It's the biggest.

Col. Young: Meet the staff.

Senator Dad: Hey - Are you Lou Diamond Phillips?

Telford: No. My name is Colonel Telford.

Rush: Our objective is to dial a mystery gate address that we found. We are now going to fail to do so in front of all our financial backers because we didn't try this out before we called them from 20 light years away. This is an example of what NOT to do. Eli, I blame you.

Eli: What!?

Audience: We thought you were nice at first, but now we are beginning to think you are an asshole.

Rush: Allow me to convince you otherwise (Holds picture of a woman and listens to OPERA while CRYING)

Audience: Hmm… perhaps.

Col. Telford: Well… I guess I'd better get going. No reason. (leaves)

(THE PLANET IS ATTACKED)

Audience: Why?!

Col. Young: It doesn't matter! Move move move move move!

Eli: I'm a genius. I can help you figure out how to dial this mystery address.

Rush: Wonderful. Just in time for me to screw everyone over.

Eli: Oops.

Stargate: So, Will you take what's behind gate #1, #2, or do you want the MYSTERY GATE?

Rush: Mystery Gate!

Stargate: Done!

Rush: Brilliant.

(PLANET BEGINS TO BLOW UP)

Everyone else: OMG WHAT IS HAPPENING

(Col. Young finds TJ, the MEDICAL ASSISTANT in the hallway trying to revive the dead DOCTOR)

Col. Young: He's dead, Jim.

TJ: My name is TJ.

Col. Young: Oh, right. I should be able to remember that, especially since we slept together.

TJ: ….

Col. Young: It's too late for him, we have to go.

(EVERYONE escapes by going through the MYSTERY GATE)

(FLASHFORWARD to CHAOS on ANCIENT SHIP seen earlier)

Everyone: We need food, we need water, we need air, we need to figure out where we are. THIS SHIP IS WRECKED.

Rush: We are about 5 trillion billion light years from home. Don't even try to imagine how many otters that is, your pea minds couldn't even fathom it.

Audience: We knew it. You ARE an asshole.

Rush: Surprise!

* * *

**—-Part 2—**

(COL YOUNG is SEVERELY INJURED, SENATOR DAD is also SEVERELY INJURED. AIR is running out.)

Rush: I have to go to the bathroom.

Eli: Ok…

Rush: On Earth (leaves)

Eli: What!?

(RUSH uses MAGIC ROCKS to take a brief TELEPATHIC FIELD TRIP to EARTH)

(Later, back in GATE ROOM)

Rush: Hello, everybody!

Everybody: H-hello…

Rush: I went to Earth.

Everybody: HOW?

Rush: In my mind. Telepathically.

Everybody: …

Rush: So I'm in charge now.

Everybody: Oh HELL no.

Lt Scott: Everybody - I know you think Dr. Rush is an insane, overbearing asshole…

Rush: Hey!

Lt Scott: But he does have more knowledge about these systems than anyone else, so we should listen to him.

Everybody: (grumbles) Fine.

—-

Rush: Our Air must be running out because damaged portions of the ship are leaking it out into space. Also, the mechanism that is meant to scrub CO2 from the air is not functioning properly.

Scott: How do you know all this?

Rush: I found the CPU and translated the Ancient databases and figured out how to interface with the system.

Scott: We've only been here five minutes.

Rush: Yes, well.

Scott: Anything else you want to tell me?

Rush: Nope.

Scott: How do we find the leaks without endangering our lives?

Eli: I found a small floating camera machine. I call it a KINO.

Audience: Why?

Scott: Perfect. Let's use it.

Audience: WHY DO YOU CALL IT A KINO!?

(They use the KINO to search the ship and find the LEAK in a SHUTTLECRAFT attached to the ship. The windshield is cracked but the door will only stay closed from the inside)

Eli: Well, this sucks.

Rush: Someone is going to have to volunteer to suffocate to death to close the door from the inside. NOT IT.

Eli: Not it.

Scott: Not it.

Chloe: Not it.

TJ: Not it.

Col. Young: I'd like to, but, you know…

Senator Dad: …..

Chloe: Psst - Dad. You have to say 'Not it'

Senator Dad: What? Why?

Rush: Too late, you have to do it now.

Senator Dad: Fine. I'm a semi big name actor. I didn't want to be on your show, Anyways! (DIES)

Chloe: Dad! Nooo! RUSH! YOU KILLED MY DAD!

(CHLOE beats the SHIT out of DR RUSH)

Audience: Wooo! Yeah!

Rush: I didn't! I'm fairly certain the change in atmospheric pressure and lack of oxygen killed… ahh!

(CHLOE continues to BEAT him UP)

Eli: Is anyone going to stop this…?

TJ: Not it.

Scott: Not it.

—-

Col. Young: So, now that we've taken care of the problem with the air… how about that problem with the air?

Rush: We need to refill the CO2 filtration system on the ship. With rocks.

Sgt. Greer: Well, I've got…

Rush: NO. We need limestone. I told the ship what we needed and she should be dialing a gate to a planet with it right… about…. now.

(STARGATE OPENS)

Col. Young: So, you and the ship are talking now, are you?

Rush: Her name is Destiny.

Col. Young: I knew a stripper by that name once.

Rush: How dare you.

* * *

**—PART 3—-**

(ELI, RUSH, SCOTT, GREER, FRANKLIN, and some OTHER PEOPLE go through the Stargate to a DESERT PLANET)

Rush: The ship will jump to FTL again in 12 hours, so we have to find the limestone we need and get back before then.

Audience: What a random number. This is a like a mission in a video game. Is that a PSP you're using to dial the Stargate?

Rush: The sand near the stargate doesn't have enough lime in it. We have to explore the endless landscape with only a tiny hope of success.

Audience: Surprise.

—-

Col. Young: I need to report to Earth about what is going on.

(Uses MAGIC ROCKS aka COMMUNICATION STONES to teleport his consciousness to Earth. He materializes in Col. Telford's body)

Col. Young: (looks down at hands) This is weird. It's been a long time since I was inside another man.

Audience: Wait, what?

General O'Neill: What is going on, Young? The last person who came in front of me inside another man was Dr. Rush.

Audience: WAIT, WHAT!?

Col. Young: I'm sorry, Sir. I've been tied up.

Audience: ::grumbles::

—-

(ON DESERT PLANET)

Scott: We need to cover more ground. So we should probably split up.

Eli: No way! This violates the rules of every horror movie I've ever seen.

Scott: We aren't in a horror movie, Eli. This is a science fiction drama.

Eli: Oh, right. Whew.

(Scott, Greer, and Rush go One Direction, while Eli, Franklin and Other People go a different direction)

Scott: (takes a swig of red liquid) This Kool-aide is Awful.

Rush: That's the testing solution for the lime!

Scott: Oh! (spits it out). (looks over and sees a dust devil) Do you guys see that?

Greer: No. Think it might have something to do with those chemicals you just drank?

Rush: (sigh) This is hopeless. I can't go on. Just leave me here to die.

Greer: Ok.

Scott: We've only been walking five minutes, Rush.

Rush: I know, but walking is Hard. I didn't Realize.

Scott: Greer, take him back to the gate, ok? I'm going to go chase down the ghost I saw. Bye!

(Rush lays down in the sand)

Greer: And they locked ME up…

—-

Other People and Franklin: We give up. Let's completely abandon everyone and go to a different planet using the only possible means to leave.

Eli: I think that's a bad idea.

OP&F: Nah.

(Other People dial gate to other mystery world and step through)

Audience: We'll probably never see them again.

Franklin: Well, see you Eli… (walks towards gate then gets SHOT in the shoulder) What the HELL? Who SHOT me?

Rush: Greer did it!

Greer: You told me to!

Rush: You still did it.

Eli: He probably saved your life.

Rush: It's what I do.

—-

(Everyone except ELI & GREER go through the gate back to DESTINY. ELI waits at gate for GREER to find SCOTT)

(Greer finds Scott laying in the desert)

Greer: This is no time for sleeping!

Scott: Five minutes, Mom.

Greer: No!

Scott: I found the limestone! The ghosts showed me where they were!

Greer: Ok, man, listen - we have exactly 30 seconds to get back to the gate.

Scott: (sigh) Ok.

(They head towards the STARGATE)

Eli: I see them coming, but I don't think they are going to make it in time!

Rush: Eli, stick your right arm through the gate.

Eli: Ok (does)

Rush: Now, take your right arm out.

Eli: Ok…

Rush: Now, put your right arm in.

Eli: ….

Rush: And shake it all about.

Eli: Rush!

Rush: Do it, Eli - there might be a safeguard to keep the gate open even when the timeclock runs out if there is a person partway through it.

Eli: I don't want to lose my arm!

Rush: At least stick your hand in - if you do lose it just think about how you'll be just like Luke Skywalker. Before you die of dehydration and heat stroke and possibly blood loss.

Eli: You're always looking on the bright side.

Rush: Eli!

Eli: Ok! (does it)

(They watch the CLOCK count down to what is probably ZERO written in ANCIENT, but one assumes it's ZERO because it stops. The gate stays open)

Eli:Hurry up!

(SCOTT, GREER, then ELI come through the GATE, which then closes and the ship jumps to FTL)

Audience: Horray! They made it. What about those Other People…?

(They use the limestone on the filtration system, and the AIR begins to become clean)

Audience: Guys…? What happened to them?

(Chloe and Scott SHARE a MOMENT)

Audience: We'd just kinda like to know. I mean… can't you at least discuss the abstract possibilities of what happened?

(CREDITS)

Audience: Fine.


	2. Darkness & Light

**I don't own SGU. That stands for Super Groovy Unicorns. All my unicorns are pretty mundane - they aren't down with anything. Shhh. Don't tell them I said.**

* * *

**—Darkness—**

Director: Allow us to use clever video interviews to introduce you to more characters on this ship that are actually important, and probably won't die. Or probably will.

Audience: You toy with our emotions, sir.

Col. Young: It takes a lot of training to use a rifle as a cane. Don't try this at home.

Audience: Your cane design might literally backfire.

Rush: ALL OUR POWER IS GONE!

Col. Young: How was I supposed to know that?

Rush: I used my telepathic powers to convey that information to the crew.

Col. Young: Rush, you don't HAVE telepathic powers.

Rush: I DO, it must be that nobody's mind has enough capacity to receive my signals.

Col. Young: Do you need any help? You seem like you need help.

Rush: NO. YES. WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?

Col. Young: I'll send someone to help you.

Rush: No.

Col. Young: I'll send Volker.

Rush: NO!

Volker: Hey.

Rush: GO AWAY

Volker: Ok. (sigh).

Rush: WHY IS EVERYONE SO USELESS EXCEPT FOR ME?

Everyone: Don't be bitter. We have just been through a traumatic event. We wanted to chillax.

Rush: NO CHILLAXING UNTIL I HAVE DISCOVERED THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Everyone: I think that might be a long time from now…. but ok, we will help.

Rush: STOP IT - NOW YOU'RE BREAKING EVERYTHING!

Everyone: Jesus Christ, make up your mind!

Rush: (collapses)

Everyone: Dude…

Col. Young: That guy is a lot of work. MEDIC!

TJ: It seems you are suffering from severe withdrawal from both caffeine and nicotine. This condition is only exacerbated by the fact you are a complete jerk.

Audience: OH MY GOD WE HAVE TO STOP GOING TO STARBUCKS…OR…OR GO MORE OFTEN!

(POWER SHUTS OFF)

Col. Young: Well, looks like we're gonna die. I'm out.

—-

(Col. a COMMUNICATION STONE to go to EARTH)

Audience: Those are some really advanced Ouiji Board triangles.

Col. Young: Even when I'm about to die of asphyxiation billions of light years away, I have to file a report. God, I love being in the military.

(Goes to visit EMILY, his estranged wife)

Col. Young: (catches reflection) Whoa. I look like Lou Diamond Phillips.

(knocks on door)

Emily: Lou Diamond Philips!?

Col. Young: No, baby, it's me - Snuggle Muffins.

Emily: oh. Are you here to tell me you're going to die?

Col. Young: …no?

Emily: Are you lying?

Col. Young: No!

Emily: Liar, liar, pants on fire. Go away.

Col. Young:(disappoint) I really thought talking to my estranged wife whom I cheated on then left would have gone much better. This sucks. I'd rather die in space.

(returns to ship)

—-

(later, on shuttle)

Rush: Hey, idiots.

Col. Young: We're going to sling shot around this planet, which will put us in the general vicinity of some places we might be able to live. We think we can get there before Destiny dies.

Rush: (sits in Captain's Chair) Just let everyone know there will be severe turbulence as we go through the gas giant.

(TJ, Col. YOUNG, SCOTT snicker)

Rush: What!?

Scott: Nothing.

(Ship goes around planet, there is SEVERE TURBULENCE. A cup of water trembles precariously on the ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT)

Audience: Who left a cup of water on the console? Look at that thing vibrate… there must be like 18 T-Rexs nearby.

(DESTINY goes through the GAS GIANT atmosphere successfully.)

Everyone: Yeay! It worked!

Rush: Not quite…

(DESTINY is now pointed DIRECTLY into the SUN)

Audience: You definitely can't live there.

* * *

**—-Light—-**

Col. Young: Our ship is going to sink… into the sun. There may be a planet in range we can survive on, BUT we only have enough lifeboats for 17. Half the people on this ship are going to die.

Eli: I am going to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all this.

Col. Young: We're going to have a lottery to see who gets a place in the lifeboats, and who stays. Go forth, and have poignant moments.

—-

(SCOTT and CHLOE have slow motion tantric sex)

—-

(ELI picks up a kino and looks at it)

Eli: It looks just like the baseball I used when I never played catch with my father.

—

Col. Young: Alright. Is everyone ready?

Everyone: Yes.

Col. Young: (pulls paper out of a case) The names of the people who will have a place on the lifeboat are… Josh Hamilton, Mike Trout, Buster Posey… oh, wait. You know what? That's actually my Fantasy Baseball team list.

Everyone: …..

Col. Young: Sorry. (roots around in case) Here we go. Eli, Chloe, Dr. Rush, Sgt. Greer —- you are among those who will NOT be going.

Everyone: You have GOT to be kidding!

Col. Young: This is in case someone tried to fix the lottery and get their name picked.

Everyone: …..

Col. Young: Preventative Measures. It's clever, see?

—

(later, on observation deck, looking out at the sun)

Col. Young: Well, we only have a few hours, and the sun is getting awfully big in the window. I feel good. What's everyone got planned? Besides screaming and dying?

Rush: I don't think we even have a few hours. Which is fine. I'm going to be reading a Dean Koontz novel, and his endings usually disappoint me anyways.

Chloe: What will it feel like?

Rush: The heart and internal organs to melt and explode, your blood will boil in your veins. Skin will suffer immediate - I dunno, like - 10th degree burns instantaneously. Your feet will melt to the deck plating.

Chloe: …

Rush: And if you're lucky, it will be in that order.

Col. Young: Well, I think it's time we all go our seperate ways and have some more poignant moments, what do you say?

Everyone: Yes, definitely.

—

Rush: (finishes book and throws it down) You have disappointed me for the last time, Dean Koontz. I had hoped the sun would kill me before I finished this.

(goes to look at a thing, seems very happy for the first time since the show started, then runs back to observation deck)

Eli: Hey, Rush.

(Rush throws back his head and LAUGHS)

Eli: Are you ok?

Rush: Oh, I was just remembering a line from "Airplane". Also… turns out we aren't going to die after all.

Chloe: Really!?

Rush: Do you remember all that stuff I said about your blood boiling, feet melting to the floor, and heart exploding?

Chloe: Yes….

Rush: Well, forget about it.

Chloe: I don't think I'll ever forget.

Rush: It's not going to happen. Right THIS moment. I mean…As A Scientist, I can't rule out any potential future happenings…

Eli: Rush!

Rush: Point is, the ship is actually using the sun to recharge the batteries, and power was dying because it was taking all the reserves to put into the shields… (looks up at clock) and it looks like we'll be jumping to FTL in about 20 minutes.

Col. Young: We have to get the people on the lifeboats back here.

Rush: Easier said than done, but I am brilliant, and you're all here. We can probably figure out something…

(THEY DO)

Audience: We knew, deep down they were all going to be saved. We are no newcomers to prime time television - but it would have been pretty ballsy to kill half your cast.

Col. Young: Good job Rush! Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? (rubs Rush's head)

Rush: WHOA. I have about 20 feet of personal space in which you are in severe violation of. I'm going to make you regret that.

—

(everyone is celebrating)

Rush: I heard there was a party to crash.

Col. Young: Hey, Dr. Rush! You were such a good boy, earlier - you get a biscuit!

Rush: I don't WANT a biscuit. Those biscuits are awful.

Col. Young: But you did such a good job. And you were willing to stay on the ship when you thought we were going to die and melt and explode…

Rush: ::SUPER SHIFTY EYES::

Col. Young: Right? You thought we were going to die?

Rush: I gotta go.

Col. Young: I am so suspicious of you, now.

Audience: Oh come ON. You two were just starting to get along. This is bullshit.


	3. Water

**I don't own SGU, which I pronounce "Ssssgoooo". No one ever knows what I'm talking about. They aren't real fans.**

* * *

—-WATER—

Audience: Air, Darkness, Light, Water…? With one more episode you should be able to summon Captain Planet to save you.

Col. Young: We need to get home.

Rush: Well, that's really complicated…

Col. Young: Just do it. Do it now. Do it now. Doitnow. Doitnow. DoitnowDoitnowDoitnow.

Audience: God, that is so unhelpful, can't you see he's doing his best?

Rush: I hate you with every fiber of my being.

Audience: Also unhelpful!

Col: Young: AND 40,000 gallons of water disappeared and I blame you. With my eyes.

Rush: What! What do you think I did with that much water? Put it down my pants?

Audience: LET'S FIND OUT!

Col. Young: Whatever…Eli, I need you to come help me spy on the crew.

Eli: Er…. ok

—(IN SUPER SECRET SPY ALCOVE)—-

Volker and Franklin (on camera): This lack of water is a conspiracy. We blame the government. That's right, camera. We said it.

Col. Young: Volker and that guy who reminds me vaguely of Nathan Lane are harmless.

Eli: You know it's really hard to spy on people with a giant sphere camera that floats around at eye level.

Col. Young: Just do it. DoitnowDoitnowDoitnowDoitnow…

Eli: Ok! Jesus. We have got to work on your management style.

—-

Rush: We found a planet that might have some water in range, only the atmosphere is pure poison - but I'm sure the water will be fine.

Col. Young: Luckily, the fraction of the ship we have access to included spacesuits. I'm going to go help haul the tons of ice despite the fact I am in dubious physical condition and arguably a very important member of the crew.

Rush: Break a leg.

Col. Young: That only means good luck when you say it to someone going on stage.

Rush: I know.

—-

(Meanwhile, Sgt. GREER is searching every person's room for the missing 40,000 gallons of water.)

Audience: This is highly illogical!

—-

TJ: I was in the hallway when some aliens shaped like sand came up to me and formed an image of my face. I think they were trying to communicate.

Audience: DIRECTED BY JAMES CAMERON.

TJ: They sound like the aliens said he saw on the desert planet.

Eli: That might explain why the planet we found them on WAS A DESERT.

TJ: I'll just tell everyone to remain in their rooms.

—-

(flash to soldier who is NOT IN HIS ROOM)

(Soldier sees ALIEN SAND CLOUD. Soldier shoots at ALIEN SAND CLOUD)

Audience: Oh, that's brilliant. Make sure you aim for it's heart, dumbass.

(Soldier is ATTACKED and DIES HORRIBLY)

Audience: He wasn't even wearing a red shirt!

—-

(on the planet)

Col. Young: Looks like we're done here! Whatever you do, don't fall through a hole in the ground.

(Lt. SCOTT FALLS THROUGH A HOLE IN THE GROUND)

Col. Young: WHAT did I just say?

Scott: Sorry, sir.

Col. Young: Get out of that hole! DoitnowDoitnowDoitnow.

Scott: It's not working, sir.

Col. Young: Damn. Let me call the ship and see if they have any ideas. Destiny - Hello?

Rush: Here I am.

Col. Young: Lt. Scott is stuck in a hole and my management can't get him out. Do you have any suggestions?

Rush: You should leave him down there.

Col. Young: How can you say that?

Rush: If you keep trying to rescue Lt. Scott you might run out of time and not get back…. You know what? I changed my mind… new plan, Colonel. Take as much time as you want trying to rescue Scott.

Col. Young: I was already going to! Col. Young OUT.

Scott: What did they say?

Col. Young: Umm… to just hang out.

Scott: Very funny, Sir.

Col. Young: No pun intended

(EARTHQUAKE happens, and Scott is FREE. Col. Young pulls him out with a rope)

Audience: Convenient!

Col. Young: You're saved! It's a Christmas miracle!

Audience: We weren't really that concerned.

—

Eli: Right, well, what do we do about the ALIENS?

TJ: I have an idea. They want water, so lets give them water…

(TJ is in the hallway with a barrel of water, holding a LID poised to SEAL the BARREL)

Aliens: Hey, it's face girl! This seems legit. (GETS IN BARREL)

(TJ LOCKS the barrel with The CLUB and everyone throws it through the Stargate)

Aliens: Oh shit, a whole new planet of ice whose ecosystem we can totally wreck? AWESOME. Sorry about that dude we killed. Peace out! (flies away)

Audience: It's ok, we don't even remember his name.


End file.
